


The Call of Void

by Lhumyaki



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: (its1am and im begging to go to sleep give me a break), Angst, Bobby | Trevor Wilson-centric, Canonical Character Death, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, That's All I Can Think Of, i hesitated tagging more bu most will be only mentionned, inspired by a song
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-12 17:21:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28639191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lhumyaki/pseuds/Lhumyaki
Summary: He isn't sure if the first time counts.Bobby has climbed and climbed, as high as his ten years old self could, into a tree. It was the highest he ever went, and years after he could understand his parents worry.---Four times Bobby went a bit too high, and the ground below was a bit too appealing.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	The Call of Void

**Author's Note:**

> OK SO. I'm not exaggerating with the tags ; this story was inspired by the song Achilles Come Down, which, if you have never listened, is a song where "Achilles" is standing on a rooftop to kill himself, and the singer tries to convince him to not do it (while his intrusive thoughts push him to do it). I even had planned to call this fic "Bobby, Come Down" at first, so you can guess it is not the happiest thing. While I am not sure if my writing skills are good enough to fully transmit what the character feels, I still tried my best and even poured in some personal bad thoughts I had in my crying sessions, so be careful when reading this.
> 
> Though, the tags still say "hopeful ending" ; I'm not sure how much it fits, but it's close to how I interpret it. I can't just end on a pure bad note, after all.

He isn't sure if the first time counts.  
Bobby has climbed and climbed, as high as his ten years old self could, into a tree. It was the highest he ever went, and years after he could understand his parents worry.

He didn't really have bad thoughts when he was there. He was upset after an argument with everyone, and just wanted to get away from it.  
Once settled on his branch, he had wondered what would happen if he suddenly disappeared. Would his parents be sad? Would his friends be bothered? He hoped so. They may have argued, they still cared about him, right? That's what stories always told, friendships last forever and every parents love their kids.  
He remembers looking down at one point. The ground was so far away, and he suddenly felt a desire to jump, as if this distance and the grass below were calling him. _L'appel du vide_ , his very first therapist has said in a very bad french accent when he told him about it. _The call of void_. Despite its sinister name, the phenomenon wasn't that uncommon, and wasn't seen as worrying, so Bobby didn't think more of this childhood event at the time. Even though if it wasn't for his mother's worried cry, he thinks he would have gave in the temptation.

The second time, he had joined Sunset Curve one month before.  
It wasn't that him and the guys weren't friends, it's that all three were close and he wasn't. They had things to share that he couldn't, bad experiences he never lived that made them closer to each other. He was there to play music with some friends; they were there to play music as a family.  
So when his father died, and his mother started to be more and more distant and dismissive with him, Bobby didn't try to turn to the guys. They weren't close enough for that.

Bobby started to resent his mother.  
Why would she act the way she does? Why would she pay him so little attention, stop caring about him? Why would she leaves all day to only come back late into the night? Was she avoiding him? Because he is a reminder of his father? Because she is blaming him for her husband's death? Because she wished it would have been him instead..?  
He felt upset. He felt tired. Clearly, his mother wouldn't care if he went away, maybe would she even be happier. She could live without a constant reminder of what she lost, she wouldn't even need to sign school papers she didn't read for him.

So, one Thursday night after rehearsal, he didn't go back home. He decided to go to the building in construction he had noticed some times ago instead. There wasn't any workers on Friday, as well as Saturday and Sunday.

Once again, the ground below called to him. A rational part of his mind immediately told him not to. He hesitated.  
It's by that point he started to wonder if Luke was a psychic, he remembers.

The void, the fall, it was calling. His rational part still said no, but he didn't want to listen. "Bobby."

And Luke was there, walking towards him. He was crying, and Bobby realized he was too.  
Luke caught his wrist, and gently tugged him away. Reggie and Alex arrived, _it looks like they ran_ , and soon enough, he was in a hug.  
Something broke inside of him, and Bobby cried. He cried, and cried and he was feeling so much warmth from every sides, and he still remembers trying to wrap his arms around them all, trying to give back the comforting pressure of their hug. They didn't need to say it, but Bobby finally realized he was part of their family too.

He stayed at Alex's house. When he came home after school, his mother went to hug him.

The third time was the worst.  
They were supposed to play, to make it big. They were supposed to stay together forever.

When he was on the roof of the building in construction, still not done after three years, and never going to be as its destruction was planned soon, Bobby wondered why life hated him.  
Why did he have to lose people? Why, when he was finally feeling better, did they have to be taken away? And why like that, why on THIS night, why _without him._

He had tried. Tried to keep their memory alive, tried to live the dream for them, tried to be happy because that's what they would have wanted.  
But even that he failed. He trusted the wrong person, and let himself be manipulated, and failed them. He was making full house, getting money and fame, and it was based on lies. People would give him recognition, and he would feel the euphoria and happiness for a short instant, then hate having all these people looking at him, thinking he was some kind of music genius.

_You crave the applause, but hate the attention,_ supplied his mind.  
Thanks.

He missed them. He missed them _so fucking much_.  
He betrayed them. He didn't deserve this. He didn't, this, this thing, this _life_ , he didn't deserve the fame, he didn't deserve their loss, he didn't deserve hating everything about him, about his life, and he just wanted to be _happy_. He wanted to be left alone, to close his eyes and fall asleep without waking up, and be free, finally. _He wanted to fall._

His gaze went to look down, and it was there. The call. This irresistible desire to fall. "Jump," his mind told him. "No," his rational part answered. "It is tempting," he thought.

The building would be destroyed in three days. He'll disappear with it.

Rose called him. He couldn't not answer her.

She was asking him where he was. She read the note, the same he had left behind back with Sunset Curve, four words, a name, _"Thank you for existing. -Bobby"_.  
He told her and sit down on the edge, waiting for her. She hugged him and asked him to come. They went home, the family home, his home since his mother moved away with a new partner last year, their home since Rose helped him the third time and decided he couldn't be left alone for now.

Her home since he moved to the mansion, her family's home now that it was the fourth time.

He wasn't on the building anymore, destroyed and forgotten long ago. Instead, it was the roof of his mansion, the part he could access because what's best to show off at parties than a roof garden?  
He never really liked the place that much. At first it was fun, making the biggest and most ridiculous house, a modern mansion with enough space to make special room for each interests he (and later, carrie) would get, and have lot of guests over. A secondhand happiness coming from owning things others wanted, that he knew now was never satisfying for long. The excitation quickly died down, until it was young Carrie running around the rooms, with gleeful laughter from playing with her dad, from being even just able to run. Suddenly, the mansion seemed a thing of happiness again; not because it was supposed to, but because it was linked to good memories.

He put his hands on the railing around the roof, just the right height to avoid making it easy to climb over; he sometimes wondered if the architect was confused about why he was so insistent on it back then.

He didn't look down immediately. Make the instant last.  
Rose was gone, and behind was left her sister, her husband, two kids, and a broken rockstar. He was there for her funeral, but he would have preferred to be anywhere else than standing in a cemetery in a bright day, seeing yet another friend who died too young being buried.

It would be easy to just give up. It wasn't the first time he thought of it after all, and the only thing that had stopped him was someone else to catch him. Except the last someone else was dead now.  
It was somewhat funny he realised. His mother told him to come down, and the next time he is too high is because of her. His brothers tell him to come down, and then it's Rose who have to save him from their loss. And now, Rose was the one missing piece that led him back up. Maybe people should stop helping him, it looked like bad luck so far.

With a shaky breath, he finally looked down. Instantly he felt it.  
A barely resistible temptation, really.

A rush of adrenaline went through his body as he was thinking about it. It felt nice. Like when you are on a rollercoaster, about to get the big drop; it wasn't necessarily the drop itself, but the fact you know it's coming. You see yourself so high, about to go down, and you feel _alive_ , in a way only feasible by being in a dangerous (yet controlled) situation.  
Trevor wondered if this rush came from him knowing he wouldn't actually do it. Bobby wondered if it came from being at peace with dying.

He doesn't know how long he contemplated.  
Should he finally do it? Or just wait a bit more? Why not do it? He didn't have anything left holding him back now. Trevor Wilson, worthless facade of a teen long gone, wasn't worth fighting for.

_But someone else is._

Someone was walking rapidly in his direction. He turned around, his eyes finally leaving the ground, so he could focus on her instead.  
"Sweetie? What are you doing here?"  
"What about you?"

Of course she would be worried about him.  
"Just looking at the view. Let's get back in the living room, maybe watch a movie?"  
"Ok."

That was enough for now, he thought. He left the roof with his daughter, a smile on his face.

Because even if Trevor Wilson is not worth the fight, Carrie Wilson is.

**Author's Note:**

> You made it through!
> 
> So, in this thing I play a bit with the concept of "l'appel du vide"; I couldn't really find any equivalent in English besides the direct translation, so I went with it.  
> As the fic says, it is not necessarily a bad sign, it falls in the "intrusive thoughts" section. The issue here has more to do with Bobby's reaction to it; no immediate "wtf me?", no walking away from the border just in case, he just. Kind of stands there and actually considers it. And uses that time to do some self-depreciation talk too.
> 
> The description of how Bobby feels at the Moment is based on my few experiences with call of void; it's kind of a weird feel that I hope I was able to somewhat transmit.
> 
> I hope you appreciated the fic! (and felt something, though maybe not too much)


End file.
